I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
