Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
