I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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