I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
