No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
