nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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