i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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