i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
