ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
