So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
