The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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