I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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