i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Randomize
