My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
dude. I can hear the air.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
