You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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