Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
