i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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