I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
