Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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