Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Did I show you my penis last night?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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