I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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