I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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