I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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