I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
