Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
