Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
