Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
