All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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