You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you didnt know i had herpes?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
