dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
did i walk over a car last night?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
