I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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