I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
