I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
