also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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