We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
