My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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