I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
