I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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