Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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