I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
