I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
