I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Randomize
