you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
