She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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