There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
