I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
