Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
