I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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