Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
