Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she told me i tasted like america
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
